When should a creator of something know when to stop from over-writing / revising their works?
I know that I definitely shouldn't ask George Lucas that question!
Well, What you are reading is the "final" version of a caption that I made for Miss Evie Hyde, a TG writer that tends to work with the corruption of men into bitchy Alpha women. Here is the original version I mocked up first, and thought I was done with it at first.
BUT I didn't think it told the story in full. What I had in mind definitely did not fit into what I had created, and Honestly, I had more meat on the bone so to speak with what else I wanted to get onto the "page".
And while I think the newer version is better, and gets across what I was trying to infer / imply with the original one .. I think it ended up losing a bit of zip, steam, momentum, etc .. Not quite sure why, other than to say it's like the last 40 minutes of The Dark Knight. Joker is dead .. and it just keeps going, ostensibly to set up the sequel. And I think that's a mistake.
So I really would like people to comment below. Which version of the caption do you like better? Did the original seem to be too vague for you, or did you get the gist of it? Did I "overwrite" the newer version, or do what I needed to do to get the entire story told, regardless of the pacing. Do you even notice pacing when reading TG captions? Please discuss!